more like joey

i despise going to wal-mart. i have nothing against the company as most folks who despise going to wal-mart. it's just that i now live in arkansas, which is tragic when it comes to buying groceries. rather than a nice, clean, well-stocked, small parking lot albertsons or kroger you have no choice really but to go to wal-mart. where, even though nice enough & clean enough, you must park miles away, then attempt to play bumper grocery carts in the aisles with the other 5000 people in there to simply purchase a few provisions. (here is where i could write at least a few paragraphs complaining about the meat department at wal-mart where there is no real butcher, it just appears mysteriously on the shelves & no one know where it actually comes from. but that isn't what this is about, so i'll spare you)

instead of complaining, which i realize is all i have done thusfar, i decided to seek rememdies to this dilemma. through much trial & error, i have discovered the absolute best time to go to wal-mart. i'll let the cat out of the bag, just for you...it's tuesday morning. no crowds, new shipments come on mondays, no lines at the checkout, the produce is very well stocked & i only had to park a half a mile away.

so one particular tuesday morning, i grab my list & go to wal-mart. i am shopping fast & furious & focused so as to be in there for as little time as is possible. i do pretty good & all that stands between me & getting out is the check-out process. i proceed to the the lit up number 7 & find a beautiful, beaming asain woman greet me. her nametag says joey. she has somewhat of a mullet cut into her black hair. it wasn't the arkansas redneck kind of mullet, but it was wonderfully edgy & hip with a sort of reddish dye job on the top. i look way too much into these types of things but the "cool" mullet screamed of independence & personal style. when we first spoke to one another, it wasn't my typical wal-mart check out greeting of "did you find everything okay?", where i think of all the things i didn't find & then blatantly lie & say "yep". this woman was sincere. she smiled. she looked me in the eye. in a matter of only moments we chatted about so many topics -partly because of how friendly she was & partly because of how quickly she spoke- from the rising cost of groceries to her home in thailand & the best thai food restaurant here in town.

i found myself forced to leave because of someone in line behind me, but my true desire was to stay & talk longer with joey. there was just something about her that was wonderful. i don't know what it was about joey, but i imagine it was Jesus. either Jesus in her drawing me or Jesus in me loving her. by time i got to my car, my thoughts had gone to where they too often go, to myself. would anyone ever walk away from talking with me & smile, feeling so joyous, so lifted? do others ever desire to not leave a conversation because my words are so laced with grace & love & sincerity. does Jesus beam from my life? do i let Him love through me? deep within i know the answers to those questions are no. whether joey knows it or not, i got a glimpse of something i long for, long to be like....& the good news is that I can never be like that, but Jesus has that same desire for me & He can actually make it happen.

"with people, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26

funny thing about fear

so it's been since february that i've posted anything. which, in reality doesn't matter because if all goes as i'd like with this little blog it serves as only a place where the nomadic thoughts in my head actually have a temporal residence. as strange as it sounds, my desire is for no one to even read it...

so, the big thing right now in my life is that i am currently in the process of growing another person inside of me. that's right i'm pregnant. i am 21 weeks, which i must always stop & do the math to know that i am just about 5 months along. in october, eliot will have a little brother or sister. it's been so long now since eliot was here with us. 1 year & 8 months since i have held him. not every day, but most i want to scream to everyone around of the great ache that is still deep within my heart. i step past pictures of him that line our shelves & am so weary of remembering. i want to touch him & be with him. i don't know what people think & i am not concerned with their opinions of me...but it seems as if they think that now that so much time has gone by & now that we are expecting another baby that everything is okay. everything is not okay. this pregnancy & this little baby forming in my womb is another leg of grief, of the missing eliot. it is no replacement. no words can express the difficulty & uniqueness of being pregnant with your second child when the first is no longer here. the journey is filled with hope & expectation, fear & anxiety, joy of new life intermixed with the lingering pain of life lost. this child will only know his or her older brother by pictures & the stories we tell of his amazing life. in a way this child will enter into life with some form of grief already there to deal with. what will it be like for him or her to grieve & miss eliot?

matt & i go into this pregnancy with a distinct past. we are 1 for 1 for having unhealthy children. we are 1 for 1 for losing a child. with those stats, some fear is inevitable. we fight it daily & pray, trusting, that God is fighting this battle for us. the funny thing when i think about fear is what in the world do i have to fear? nothing. i have walked through every parent's absolute worst nightmare and yet i sit here as somewhat of a survivor. a survivor whom Christ has carried through each moment. i realize that doesn't mean i want to walk through it again. i also realize it doesn't exempt me from walking through it again.

"for i hope in You, O Lord; You will answer, O Lord my God" Psalm 38:15